so it's been awhile and so much has changed!

So I am a slacker-bum...this will be a short synopsis of what has occured in the past two months...

First of all, my new year has been full of more ups and downs already than the whole last year combined. I'm lost people...I've gained people...I've loved people...I've hated people, but all in all I'm a better person because of all of it. The first refers to the loss of both my grandmother from cancer. Though tragic, it did give me a sense of how precious my relationships are with my family and I have tried to be more aware of my dealings with everyone and I have tried to keep in contact and let people I love know it.

I've gained many new friends over the past few months and have strengthened my bonds with others. I have therefore kept my promise to myself to keep people close by not pushing them away and letting people in regardless of the fear I have that people will not like me. I have become more aware of who I am and have surprisingly grown to like it more and more. It's a wonderful feeling to actually like who you are and want to share it with the people in your life.

A few weekends ago I discovered what real friends look and act like, what it feels like to be truly loved, and what it feels like to hit rock bottom...I had an incident where my drink was drugged at a show I was attending. I don't remember the night at all or what I said to anyone. According to what the people with me said, I flew off the handle and ran away...subsequently they ran me down and tackled me loading me into a car and taking me somewhere safe, which I am eternally grateful for. If this wasn't bad enough, I woke up in a haze the next morning and was more depressed than I have ever been. I got home and felt so sick I couldn't function. I called for help from a counselor, but instead the police were called and I was hauled away to the ER and subsequently to a mental hospital. As hard as this is for me to admit, I believe it is important to not be ashamed of asking for help even though I received much more than I ever anticipated. I was locked up for three days (including Valentine's Day) and it was the most devastating and scary period of my life. I had no freedom and was treated as if I was a complete crazy person...I couldn't even shower alone. I decided I couldn't hide this from anyone and I called my roommates...so scared to see their reaction I was shaking...however, my fear dissipated when I saw my roommates walk into the hospital the first night to see me. They hugged me and empathized with me and showed me how much they loved me and were there for me. It was so touching that I still cry even just thinking about it. When I finally did get out, they threw me a welcome home dinner and I have never appreciated my life so much. Ever since then, I have had a new positive outlook on life, that it's not so bad and I will never be displaced from my life again.

To be continued...

Resolution #2

As I continue on into the 2nd day of the new year, I have noticed another thing that would be a nice change. Resolution #2:

"I need to stop pushing people away."

As soon as somebody gets too close, I end up finding something wrong with them, ignoring them, or just flat out being someone I'm not so they'll stop liking me. It's a very strange phenomenon...so I've decided that I'm going to appreciate more the people that like me and care about me. In turn, I'm also casting off the people that suck the life out of me that don't deserve my time.

The good news is that this resolution is already working. I have dropped the shield and have noticed how amazing some people are when at first I had tried to dismiss them. Case in point is my friend Paul. We had tried the whole dating thing at one point, but as I always do I found something wrong with him, got mad at him, and there went that whole deal. After hanging out with him on New Year's Eve, I definitely saw what I was missing. He's an amazing person, really sweet and polite, caring, funny, and we have a lot of the same interests. The trick is trying to get the point across that I still like him and to express how terrible I feel about the whole situation earlier. We'll see...

Resolution #1

It's a little coincidential I know for me to be making resolutions at this point in the year, but the changing year really didn't contribute to my new-found determination to get myself out of my slump; it was my trip to Guatemala. Now, this trip wasn't completely life-changing in itself, but it really made me reflect on who I am and what I need to do wiht myself. It made me realize just how unhappy I am (which sounds terrible, but bear with me) and what has happened in my life recently that shouldn't be happening.

First of all, it made me grateful for all I have after seeing almost an entire country living in poverty, more than any of us could ever know, and grateful that I live in a society where I don't have to fear for my life ever second of every day. It also made me realize how hard some people have it in America, in terms of minority status. I was definitely a minority in Guatemala, with the only other white people I saw being my family. It made me more uncomfortable than I have ever been in my life, especially when I really had no way of communicating with anyone since I don't happen to speak very much Spanish at all. I'd often feel lost in a crowd with an overwhelming sense of helplessness, which gave me a terrible bout of anxiety/panic attacks.

The problem with me feeling uncomfortable with myself was that I began to think of everything wrong with me. I was definitely one of the bigger people in Guatemala in every sense and to be blunt, I felt like a disgusting fat-ass. So Resolution #1:

"Get myself healthy by working out a little more and eating better food"

Cliche much? I know...Shallow as well? Possibly...but I really believe that this will make me feel better internally as well knowing that I can do anything and feel confident with myself which in turn would help me in other arenas, such as relationships with people and motivation in school and my life.

The other thing I thought about on my trip which was surprising was Tom. It's been a while since I've just been sitting there wishing he were with me and I missed him terribly. It hurt really...I have no clue why either which is the most perplexing part. I know the whole thing's a foolish pipe dream, a fantasy, blind faith even...what surprised me most about it was the fact that he was the last person I would have thought I would miss. I figured I'd miss my friends, my dogs, other guys I've had a thing for recently, but no...it was just him and that frightens me...

To be continued...

little me with first drink at a restaurant! :) 

Bigots, boyfriends, and bad news...my month in alliteration

So it's been a while...
As you can see it has been one of the more interesting months to say the least as well as one of the most stressful of my life. First of all, school sucks hardcore like you wouldn't even believe. Have 2 term papers due the week of my birthday (21st mind you) as well as a presentation and a test. Super sucky, but I thought it was all looking up after a cute little neighbor boy of mine expressed interest in me. Now, normally I'm a little weary of getting involved with someone that close in proximity, but this guy seemed different. He was intelligent, funny, interesting to talk to, and did I mention cute. However, after a few dates I began to notice a few oddities that made me question what the hell I might be getting myself into. First, he decides to travel to Kansas to buy hallucinogenic toads (red flag #1). Drugs aren't really my thing...Then, he comes out and tells me that he thinks that black people are psychologically inferior to white people (red flag #2) Now you would think this would be a deal breaker for me (which it definitely is), but oh no...I endure the torture for some reason. The straw that finally broke this camel's back was when he told me he was in love with someone else, his best friend from high school who didn't even know he liked her, and that he was saving himself for her. Alright, obviously this boy is a psycho, so even though I was slightly disheartened, I moved on with life. I don't know where I find these boys (and I do mean boys) Am I just that attractive to psychos? Hmmm...

Bad news continues throughout the month where I proceed to find out I have 3 grandparents simultaneously dying of cancer....now that's just bad luck. I have conceeded to the fact that I cannot change this, though I am unhappy about it, and have decided it's no help to worry. Also, found out my mother (who is living in Guatemala at present) is in a dangerous country full of crime and civil upheaval (which truly I already knew, but was mistaken in believing things would be just fine) I'm supposed to go visit Dec. 20th with the brother so this could be one of the more interesting trips of my life.

My hopes for the next month or so...to get through school and to get a date for my birthday. Sadly that's all I really want is for a guy to ask me out somewhere and show me a good time. School thankfully will be over in 3 weeks and then I can jump for joy for a month...until I have to go back. Boo!

it's like Google knows me or something...

Thanks to Wendy for the wonderful idea! google name + needs
I'm not gonna lie...this creeps me out a bit. :)

grace needs further help of grace in order to live rightly and avoid sin (you're telling me)

grace needs a lodger (or sex slave)

grace needs constant care (i'm so very high maintenance....ummm...no)

grace needs to touch up (or not :-P)

grace needs help (haha...yeah)

grace needs a job (sorely)

grace needs new servants despite the wartime shortage of labour (damn war!)

grace needs more one on one time to be properly house trained and placed into a
indoor forever home (if i had a dime for everytime i heard this one...)

grace needs to learn how to be a little more...graceful, in terms of criticism (so true)

grace needs to be exercised if it is to grow (but i hate exercise)

grace needs a computing platform that supports a Java JDK 1.2 or above (again so true)

grace needs people using it and people contributing to it (this could be so dirty if you think about it)

grace needs a man (sex slave)

grace needs not to be the more excellent, even as in fire, the heat, which manifests its species whereby it produces heat in other things, is not more noble than its substantial form (huh?)

grace needs to be read and taken to heart by all Americans (damn straight!)

grace needs Tender Loving Care aplenty to mend her broken heart (sure do...where's my slave?)

grace needs our cooperation (who are these "our" people?)

grace needs to be used sparingly (kinda contradicts above statement, but eh...)

grace needs an arena in which to incarnate (still looking)

for my Wendy!

7 things I plan to do before I die

Jump out of an airplane
Travel to every continent
Live in a foreign country
Take an impulsive road trip across the country
Do something in a "nudist" fashion
Climb at least one of these "fourteener" things
Love someone so much I can hardly breathe

7 things I can do

Make a complete fool of myself and laugh at it
Listen to other people's problems
Use my wit to get out of serious shit (i'm a poet too)
Throw a mean punch (if that wit doesn't work)
Respect other people's opinions/life choices
Get super passionate about things at the drop of a hat
School work

7 things I cannot do

Harm an innocent person/animal
Trust any man
Get out of debt
Go the gym or go on a diet (so lose weight in other words...)
Say no (but working on it)
Make up my mind
The splits

7 things that attract me to the same or opposite sex

Intellect
Eyes (preferrably green)
Broad shoulders
Drive/motivation
Sense of humor
Passion
Respect for others

7 things that I say most often

sad story
definitely
heck yes
are you fucking kidding me?!
oh mother of pearl
ummmm...yeah
alright, alright, alright (these show how much i say yes)

7 celebrity crushes

Vince Vaughn (top)
Adam Brody
Dane Cook
Johnny Depp
Josh Hartnett
Jimmy Fallon
George Clooney (classic)