I think I'm nuts...do you think I'm nuts?

so it's been awhile and so much has changed!

2006-03-05T19:41:00.000-07:00

So I am a slacker-bum...this will be a short synopsis of what has occured in the past two months...

First of all, my new year has been full of more ups and downs already than the whole last year combined. I'm lost people...I've gained people...I've loved people...I've hated people, but all in all I'm a better person because of all of it. The first refers to the loss of both my grandmother from cancer. Though tragic, it did give me a sense of how precious my relationships are with my family and I have tried to be more aware of my dealings with everyone and I have tried to keep in contact and let people I love know it.

I've gained many new friends over the past few months and have strengthened my bonds with others. I have therefore kept my promise to myself to keep people close by not pushing them away and letting people in regardless of the fear I have that people will not like me. I have become more aware of who I am and have surprisingly grown to like it more and more. It's a wonderful feeling to actually like who you are and want to share it with the people in your life.

A few weekends ago I discovered what real friends look and act like, what it feels like to be truly loved, and what it feels like to hit rock bottom...I had an incident where my drink was drugged at a show I was attending. I don't remember the night at all or what I said to anyone. According to what the people with me said, I flew off the handle and ran away...subsequently they ran me down and tackled me loading me into a car and taking me somewhere safe, which I am eternally grateful for. If this wasn't bad enough, I woke up in a haze the next morning and was more depressed than I have ever been. I got home and felt so sick I couldn't function. I called for help from a counselor, but instead the police were called and I was hauled away to the ER and subsequently to a mental hospital. As hard as this is for me to admit, I believe it is important to not be ashamed of asking for help even though I received much more than I ever anticipated. I was locked up for three days (including Valentine's Day) and it was the most devastating and scary period of my life. I had no freedom and was treated as if I was a complete crazy person...I couldn't even shower alone. I decided I couldn't hide this from anyone and I called my roommates...so scared to see their reaction I was shaking...however, my fear dissipated when I saw my roommates walk into the hospital the first night to see me. They hugged me and empathized with me and showed me how much they loved me and were there for me. It was so touching that I still cry even just thinking about it. When I finally did get out, they threw me a welcome home dinner and I have never appreciated my life so much. Ever since then, I have had a new positive outlook on life, that it's not so bad and I will never be displaced from my life again.

To be continued...

Resolution #2

2006-01-02T12:55:00.000-07:00

As I continue on into the 2nd day of the new year, I have noticed another thing that would be a nice change. Resolution #2:

"I need to stop pushing people away."

As soon as somebody gets too close, I end up finding something wrong with them, ignoring them, or just flat out being someone I'm not so they'll stop liking me. It's a very strange phenomenon...so I've decided that I'm going to appreciate more the people that like me and care about me. In turn, I'm also casting off the people that suck the life out of me that don't deserve my time.

The good news is that this resolution is already working. I have dropped the shield and have noticed how amazing some people are when at first I had tried to dismiss them. Case in point is my friend Paul. We had tried the whole dating thing at one point, but as I always do I found something wrong with him, got mad at him, and there went that whole deal. After hanging out with him on New Year's Eve, I definitely saw what I was missing. He's an amazing person, really sweet and polite, caring, funny, and we have a lot of the same interests. The trick is trying to get the point across that I still like him and to express how terrible I feel about the whole situation earlier. We'll see...

Resolution #1

2005-12-31T10:39:00.000-07:00

It's a little coincidential I know for me to be making resolutions at this point in the year, but the changing year really didn't contribute to my new-found determination to get myself out of my slump; it was my trip to Guatemala. Now, this trip wasn't completely life-changing in itself, but it really made me reflect on who I am and what I need to do wiht myself. It made me realize just how unhappy I am (which sounds terrible, but bear with me) and what has happened in my life recently that shouldn't be happening.

First of all, it made me grateful for all I have after seeing almost an entire country living in poverty, more than any of us could ever know, and grateful that I live in a society where I don't have to fear for my life ever second of every day. It also made me realize how hard some people have it in America, in terms of minority status. I was definitely a minority in Guatemala, with the only other white people I saw being my family. It made me more uncomfortable than I have ever been in my life, especially when I really had no way of communicating with anyone since I don't happen to speak very much Spanish at all. I'd often feel lost in a crowd with an overwhelming sense of helplessness, which gave me a terrible bout of anxiety/panic attacks.

The problem with me feeling uncomfortable with myself was that I began to think of everything wrong with me. I was definitely one of the bigger people in Guatemala in every sense and to be blunt, I felt like a disgusting fat-ass. So Resolution #1:

"Get myself healthy by working out a little more and eating better food"

Cliche much? I know...Shallow as well? Possibly...but I really believe that this will make me feel better internally as well knowing that I can do anything and feel confident with myself which in turn would help me in other arenas, such as relationships with people and motivation in school and my life.

The other thing I thought about on my trip which was surprising was Tom. It's been a while since I've just been sitting there wishing he were with me and I missed him terribly. It hurt really...I have no clue why either which is the most perplexing part. I know the whole thing's a foolish pipe dream, a fantasy, blind faith even...what surprised me most about it was the fact that he was the last person I would have thought I would miss. I figured I'd miss my friends, my dogs, other guys I've had a thing for recently, but no...it was just him and that frightens me...

To be continued...

2005-12-17T16:48:00.000-07:00

little me with first drink at a restaurant! :)

Bigots, boyfriends, and bad news...my month in alliteration

2005-11-27T19:43:00.000-07:00

So it's been a while...
As you can see it has been one of the more interesting months to say the least as well as one of the most stressful of my life. First of all, school sucks hardcore like you wouldn't even believe. Have 2 term papers due the week of my birthday (21st mind you) as well as a presentation and a test. Super sucky, but I thought it was all looking up after a cute little neighbor boy of mine expressed interest in me. Now, normally I'm a little weary of getting involved with someone that close in proximity, but this guy seemed different. He was intelligent, funny, interesting to talk to, and did I mention cute. However, after a few dates I began to notice a few oddities that made me question what the hell I might be getting myself into. First, he decides to travel to Kansas to buy hallucinogenic toads (red flag #1). Drugs aren't really my thing...Then, he comes out and tells me that he thinks that black people are psychologically inferior to white people (red flag #2) Now you would think this would be a deal breaker for me (which it definitely is), but oh no...I endure the torture for some reason. The straw that finally broke this camel's back was when he told me he was in love with someone else, his best friend from high school who didn't even know he liked her, and that he was saving himself for her. Alright, obviously this boy is a psycho, so even though I was slightly disheartened, I moved on with life. I don't know where I find these boys (and I do mean boys) Am I just that attractive to psychos? Hmmm...

Bad news continues throughout the month where I proceed to find out I have 3 grandparents simultaneously dying of cancer....now that's just bad luck. I have conceeded to the fact that I cannot change this, though I am unhappy about it, and have decided it's no help to worry. Also, found out my mother (who is living in Guatemala at present) is in a dangerous country full of crime and civil upheaval (which truly I already knew, but was mistaken in believing things would be just fine) I'm supposed to go visit Dec. 20th with the brother so this could be one of the more interesting trips of my life.

My hopes for the next month or so...to get through school and to get a date for my birthday. Sadly that's all I really want is for a guy to ask me out somewhere and show me a good time. School thankfully will be over in 3 weeks and then I can jump for joy for a month...until I have to go back. Boo!

it's like Google knows me or something...

2005-10-25T00:00:00.000-06:00

Thanks to Wendy for the wonderful idea! google name + needs
I'm not gonna lie...this creeps me out a bit. :)

grace needs further help of grace in order to live rightly and avoid sin (you're telling me)

grace needs a lodger (or sex slave)

grace needs constant care (i'm so very high maintenance....ummm...no)

grace needs to touch up (or not :-P)

grace needs help (haha...yeah)

grace needs a job (sorely)

grace needs new servants despite the wartime shortage of labour (damn war!)

grace needs more one on one time to be properly house trained and placed into a
indoor forever home (if i had a dime for everytime i heard this one...)

grace needs to learn how to be a little more...graceful, in terms of criticism (so true)

grace needs to be exercised if it is to grow (but i hate exercise)

grace needs a computing platform that supports a Java JDK 1.2 or above (again so true)

grace needs people using it and people contributing to it (this could be so dirty if you think about it)

grace needs a man (sex slave)

grace needs not to be the more excellent, even as in fire, the heat, which manifests its species whereby it produces heat in other things, is not more noble than its substantial form (huh?)

grace needs to be read and taken to heart by all Americans (damn straight!)

grace needs Tender Loving Care aplenty to mend her broken heart (sure do...where's my slave?)

grace needs our cooperation (who are these "our" people?)

grace needs to be used sparingly (kinda contradicts above statement, but eh...)

grace needs an arena in which to incarnate (still looking)

for my Wendy!

2005-10-24T23:31:00.000-06:00

7 things I plan to do before I die

Jump out of an airplane
Travel to every continent
Live in a foreign country
Take an impulsive road trip across the country
Do something in a "nudist" fashion
Climb at least one of these "fourteener" things
Love someone so much I can hardly breathe

7 things I can do

Make a complete fool of myself and laugh at it
Listen to other people's problems
Use my wit to get out of serious shit (i'm a poet too)
Throw a mean punch (if that wit doesn't work)
Respect other people's opinions/life choices
Get super passionate about things at the drop of a hat
School work

7 things I cannot do

Harm an innocent person/animal
Trust any man
Get out of debt
Go the gym or go on a diet (so lose weight in other words...)
Say no (but working on it)
Make up my mind
The splits

7 things that attract me to the same or opposite sex

Intellect
Eyes (preferrably green)
Broad shoulders
Drive/motivation
Sense of humor
Passion
Respect for others

7 things that I say most often

sad story
definitely
heck yes
are you fucking kidding me?!
oh mother of pearl
ummmm...yeah
alright, alright, alright (these show how much i say yes)

7 celebrity crushes

Vince Vaughn (top)
Adam Brody
Dane Cook
Johnny Depp
Josh Hartnett
Jimmy Fallon
George Clooney (classic)

58 things about me

2005-10-11T13:24:00.000-06:00

*I'm afraid of Wendy's mind power :)*

1. How tall are you? 5'6"
2. Do you own a gun? nope, i'm accident-prone
3. Rehab? Counseling? yes please
4. Have you ever killed an animal? not directly or on purpose
5. Are you Irish? nope, not even slightly
6. What do you think of hot dogs? i used to think they were nasty until i was broke and that's all i had
7. What's your favorite Christmas song? that drummer boy one or Cartman's Silent Night (good call Wendy!)
8. What is your favorite smell? baking cookies, rain, jasmine
9. What do you prefer to drink in the morning? whiskey, but seriously...whiskey :) haha
10. Do you do push-ups? not in the traditional sense
11. Have you ever done ecstasy? heck no and never will...creeps me out
12. Have you been shot? luckily no, though i have been shot at
13. Have you ever been hospitalized? various times...it's almost a second home at this point
14. Do you like painkillers? wouldn't know since i refuse to touch them
15. What is your secret weapon to lure in the opposite sex? i'm mysterious (for a few minutes or so)
16. Do you own a knife? just ones for steak and such
17. Do you have A.D.D.? acquitted
18. Do you love the pain a tattoo brings? have yet to find out, but i have one in mind as soon as the money's available
19.Name Five Drinks You Regularly Drink: Water, Margaritas, Chai Tea, Hot Chocolate, Mountain Dew
20. What's In Your CD Player? Dimmu Borgir, Incubus, and HANGFACE
21. What's Under Your Bed? books, miscellaneous crap, extra pillows and blankets, who knows what else
22. Current Hair? just past shoulder-length, layered, dark brown soon to be darker
23. What are you wearing? my comfy long sleeve blue tee and jeans
24. Current Worries? money money and money
25. Current Fears? the dark, hunger, big hairy spiders, and relationships
26. Current Hate? ignorance and self-absorbtion
27. Favorite Place To Be? Hawaii
28. Least Favorite Place To Be? on campus with some of the retards that go here
29. Do You Play an Instrument? Cello, a while back now
30. Favorite Colors? green, purple, black, deep reds
31. Person(s) From Your Past You Wish You Could be with Right Now? my grandma, Eric, my old dog Hula, and Josh
32. Where Would You Like To Go? Norway, Australia/New Zealand, Italy
33. Where do you want to live? California, Oregon, or more internationally Norway
34. Favorite food? mexican or indian food
35. Color of most clothes you own? hmmm...white because i have received a lot of free t-shirts
36. Number of pillows you sleep with? four
37. What do you wear when you go to sleep? whatever i fall asleep in
38. What were you doing 12AM last night? writing a flippin' paper
39. What do you think you'll be doing in 10 years? i'll probably be married popping out babies...haha right...probably out travelling the world and following the music scene
40. Are you paranoid? only when i'm outside in the dark
41. When was the last time you cried? 2 days ago when i was pissed at the world
42. Last person you yelled at? Chris for being a complete ass
43. Latest addiction? internet networking and blogging, which is surprisingly therapeutic
44. Last thing you ate? is it bad if you can't remember? i think it was Tortilla Soup last night
45. If you could be a pirate, would you? nah, i couldn't plunder and pillage. i'd feel bad.
46. Do you have an iPod? i'm the only one up here who doesn't seems like
47. When and why did you last vomit? hmm...last week because i had a terrible relapse
48. What's in your pockets right now? nothing
49. What color are your bedroom walls? stark evil hospital white
50. Last thing that made you laugh? my Lou dog, she's the weirdest dog in the world
51. Any pets now? two doggies--Lou Dog and Chi Man
52. Innie or an outtie? Innie
53. Do you have any piercings? Just my ears (i took the belly button one out because it was just too trite for me)
54. If you were a crayon what color would you be? Magenta
55. Have you ever won any awards? an Oscar, but that was a few years ago :)
56. How many TV's do you have in your house: 5, 2 of which are mine
57. Have you ever sprained/broken/fractured a bone or gotten stitches/staples? broken my little finger on my left hand and had stiches on both knees, my chin, and my forehead (didn't i say something about accident-prone?)
58. Who do you tell your dreams to? my roommates since there's are just as messed up as mine

People are strange...and this proves it

2005-10-06T15:42:00.000-06:00

So this is a message I received just recently on myspace from a man I don't know...ENJOY!

Hi Grace. I was just looking around on myspace, and ran across your profile. Your primary picture got my attention, so I checked out the rest of them. Your really hot. I'd love to have your body. I'm actually in Japan right now, but I'm from san diego. I'm also married, but my wife lives in Texas, while I'm over here. I'd love for you to join me here, for the next 22 month, and then live with she and I in a polyamorous relationship. A wife, and a girlfriend, everyone being treated equally, and neither of you ladies ever have to work. It would be a nice life, full of sex, working out, money, shopping, and more sex. Only write back if your interested, if your not, just delete this, and have the very best of good days. Thank you for your time.

What an offer! How can a girl refuse!

Like this....WTF?! HELL NO! That works...

Just when you think it's over...

2005-10-03T17:50:00.000-06:00

So I have had a weird week with this exact thought. Just when I had given up on Tom, he emails me today apologizing and saying he misses me and all that...this is the same guy who I ranted about breaking my heart and here he is emailing me out of the blue (exactly a month after I wrote him) The kicker, he was cute enough to put the whole thing in Norwegian for me so he can help me learn. It took me nearly an hour (on and off) to decipher the whole thing. It was a really nice email to say the least.

I have not necessarily forgiven what he's done, but I am now no longer wicked pissed about it. I have decided to give him a chance to redeem himself though that will be a challenge for him. I sent him some nice pics to help him realize what he's missing (haha), including the one you took Wendy :) He's dying to see it (from what he told me)! He says hi by the way. :)

And onward to the next new development where one of my loves has come back to try and get back together. I am really anxious about this since he has broken my heart before, not from anything really terrible, it was just that he didn't know what he wanted and needed to figure it all out. Saw him this weekend and he told me how much he missed me, how beautiful I was, and how he still liked me a hell of a lot (his words). Well, we'll see then mister...if you decide that you are ready for a relationship and I am still available then maybe we can work something out, but I am not holding my breath...

Life's definitely strange sometimes...

2005-09-28T22:40:00.000-06:00

and hence...

The never-ending struggle...

2005-09-27T13:25:00.000-06:00

Do you ever have those nagging painful thoughts that, no matter what you do to try and forget about them, they still come and smack you in the face and make you cry? Yeah, that pretty much describes how I feel at this very moment.

If the previous post didn't show you anything, I am definitely the most stressed I have ever been in my entire life. Case in point, my health has seriously deteriorated to the point where I think I could pass out at any moment and die (no joke).

But such has been the case for a long while, back 2 years ago when I was diagnosed with a severe hormonal disorder where the hormones that control my vital organs can stop regulating at any given moment (and is particularly triggered by stress). According to my doctor, I was supposed to be "cured" last fall, but looks like it's back and taking no prisoners. It's really quite frightening sometimes, but after a while you become accustomed to the thought of death and it becomes sort of commonplace.

That's aside from my original point, however (though it is nagging). The true problem is that my heart has been broken, and I know that I could have prevented it, if I had been my normally cautious self and not let some sweet-talker convince me otherwise. The things he said to me were truly angelic and loving, that he really "cared" about me, that I was "special to him," and he was "different from all the other guys." After much resistance, I believed this...and messed up big time.

Well, I haven't heard from him since the beginning of this month, in which I called him. He hasn't once called me just to see how I was doing or even emailed me to see if I was even still alive...like he cares...I'm sure he's feeding some other girl the same line he fed me at this point. Sadly, I am more angry at myself than anything, for letting myself be douped once again into believing I was special or loved. I should have known he was just after one thing, but I just didn't want to believe it after all the "heartfelt" things he said to me.

Now don't get too sad or anything...me being the crazy person I am have decided to be optimistic. I WILL find someone that actually means those things, that actually does consider me special, and cares about me. I have not given up on love and no man is ever going to make me. Why should he have that power? That's the one thing he can never take from me, and I will hold onto that believe until my dying day.

I'm definitely in a pickle...

2005-09-20T14:04:00.000-06:00

Just got my hardcore bills last week (RE: car insurance, cell phone, rent, utilities) and I am having to chose between some main necessities of life since I can in no way afford to have all of these. Now, I know there are people that are far worse off in this world and truly I feel terrible for them, but in the context and social structure (mainly: Capitalist Middle Class Suburban America) I am in, this is definitely not an acceptable thing.

My roommates don't understand why I can't "pitch on beer" and why I can't "jet to Vegas for Spring Break." It's because ladies, my parents don't pay for everything like yours do. I am on my own at 20 scraping by while expected to be able to excel in school and get a degree. Is that fair? No, but is life fair? Of course not.

I am not here to bitch persay, but rather to point out a completely crappy part of existence, where I'm expected to have fun in college, to "live it up," while making something of myself. I wouldn't consider deciding between food and a place to live as "livin' it up" would you?

Bottom line is that there is a clash between the expectations of the college life and my means. Believe me, I want to be able to have fun like my friends do, but that requires money and being a girl that is in the red $200 every month and in credit card debt stemming from that...doesn't look like I'll be having much fun for a long while. I have no one to blame but myself...

Saying goodbye to G-town...

2005-09-16T23:24:00.000-06:00

Yes it's true...I am absolutely finished with G-town (my hometown) It's a worthless place filled with even more worthless people (my brother excluded) Just came back from there, wasted almost a quarter tank of gas to see my "friends" and what do they do? Go to the bars, somewhere I won't be allowed to go for 3 more months, and leave me high and dry. What kind of "friends" are these?? I even knew in my heart of hearts that it was a bad idea, yet I still went and wasted my time...the story of my life.

So, I've decided that wasting my time is no longer an option. My time is valuable dammit and as I was driving away I thought to myself, "That will be the last time I go to that hellhole." And good riddance to it and all the jackasses that live there. High school is over, and I don't need to hang out with people that still think they're there. I'm almost out of college now and it's about time I did what I'm supposed to do and be an adult woman with real priorities!

2005-09-09T23:56:00.000-06:00

A new look to start the new chapter of my life

Sometimes you just need a change, especially when situations drastically shift in your life. I have discovered a new mindset of being fearless, really not giving a damn what people think of me and living my life the way I want to. Now this may not sound like a novel idea to anyone else, but to me, it's completely foreign. I have been pleasing everyone else my whole life, and now I think it's time for me to do what makes me happy. Screw turning over a new leaf...I'm uprooting the whole damn tree!

P.S. Hi Wendy! I heart thee! :) Let me know how your Magic weekend went!

Basically men suck...

2005-09-06T13:01:00.000-06:00

This is just gonna be a short little rant, so bear with me. I am sick and tired of the emotionally inept "boys" around here (actually everywhere). I have a problem of finding a new guy that I think is just absolutely amazing, "completely different from any guy I've ever met."

Do I actually believe this bullshit? Sadly, I do being the hopeless romantic that I am. This leaves me in a terrible place, where I put all my hopes into someone expecting some kind of return and end up empty handed.

The excuses most commonly used are "I don't want to get too emotionally attached," and "I can't get hurt like that again." Well, good for you, you pathetic S.O.B. you will never get close to anyone again and get to experience the joy that love can bring to one's life. Good choice...

All I can say is that whoever finally earns the pleasure of my company will be forever happy, because I will love you with undying passion, I will give you my all. The kicker is that I feel I deserve the same...therein lies the problem.

Hmmm...guess that wasn't that short after all...

2005-09-05T10:26:00.000-06:00

I absolutely love this picture taken by my gorgeous friend Wendy!! (you know why I like it! *wink wink*)

Do you ever feel lonely in a crowd?

2005-09-05T09:52:00.000-06:00

I know I do...this being my last year at this God-forsaken college, I have realized that this place is an absolute joke. The people I have met here are all the same sort of people (few exceptions made) that go out and drink themselves stupid, sleep with pretty much anyone, and create drama when really there is no reason. Ugh...I have never felt as alone as I do this very moment. I may be surrounded by 20,000+ people around my age, but I do not relate to any of them.

Now don't get me wrong, I do have a few good friends up here, but unfortunately there are other forces at work with them. Either they have started to get sucked into the drunken college bar scene or the even darker scene of the ever-present boyfriend. Being 20, I cannot participate in the bar scene quite yet, even for a social drink, and things being as they are, boyfriends are pretty much out of the question. The "boys" here are just that, being some of the most immature, commitment-phobic beings on the planet, using girls only as a means to their dirty end. The only person on that front that I have had the strongest feelings for in a long time is away, and who knows when he'll be back or if he even wants me. That being a side-note to my original point however...

I just need to get out of this place...start a new life elsewhere, taking only the most worthy people with me. I don't want to sound elitist because I sincerely believe that this is what everyone deserves. I value myself enough not to take toxic people down my life path, and to demand better treatment from society. Is that too much to ask? In this college culture it is. I am supposed to "whore myself out" to the whatever guy will take me, partying hard the whole time so the next day I have forgotten about how much that guy hurt me. I have grown out of this childish game we call "higher education" and am therefore expediting the process of getting the hell out.

oh the story of my life...

2005-09-05T00:05:00.000-06:00

So, I may only be 20 years old, but I have begun work on my memoir. I think it'll be a best-seller haha! But in all seriousness, I have a deep dark story to tell that no one even knows...not even my bestest best friends. Not to gloat or anything, but I have been through more in my life than many would think (this may be the cause of the "I always forget you're 20!" syndrome I get from everyone) This, I think, will be one of the greater endeavors of my life even if no one ever reads it. At least it will put it all into perspective.

That is all...